Holy Week Reflections: 1.2 Living Lent

So, this year for Lent I decided to stop drinking alcohol and I truly believe that the experience helped me learn about myself and my relationship with God.

First of all -- Don't panic, I'm not an alcoholic, although I do have them in my family. But, most nights over the past year, I’d mix something up after the kids go to bed, or poor a small glass of cheap port. I can honestly say that it took me two years to kick cigarette smoking, and some days I still crave one - therefore, I understand addiction and I am not an alcoholic.

So, what did I learn?

Well, I broke my fast a few times and then gave it serious thought. Why have that drink? What was I thinking? Where are my priorities?

Three Case Studies:

1. The first time was at an evening business event, and I ordered a glass of Merlot without even batting an eye. I remembered it was Lent halfway through the dinner meeting, so one of my co-workers (who has a $30 online ordination certification) absolved me of my sin (rather nice of Rev. Zak to do so.) and my atheist friend ordered me another drink (perhaps a bit malicious of her. oh well).

Then -- I had to ask myself: I don't evangelize to my friends proactively because I want my life to be a testimony... here was my chance. Did I blow it?

2. Twice I wasn’t feeling well and I had a drink drink ‘for medicinal purposes.’ Q supports me in that this is valid. Once I had a fever and small drink would help it break. On two other occasions, my back or shoulders were seizing up and the alcohol helps the muscles to relax.

But then -- I had to ask myself: Why do I need alcohol to relax? And why drink to feel better when there are medicines for that kind of thing? Maybe my life is getting too stressful and I need to cut back on stressful activities and find some better ways to unwind.

3. But two or three times I had a drink just because I was pissed off at something. This was a very silly of me and quite an eye opener. I had no idea that I was doing this to myself and I now realize that it's something I need to stop. e.g. Once, I was annoyed that Q had asked my how my day was, but when I started telling him about it, he started down loading and watching YouTubes. He has ADHD and he saw something shiny. So, rather than say something about it, I did an about face and grabbed the vodka. Stoopid Lent, who gives a rat's ass about sacrifice, I make sacrifices every bloody day I suck it up and go into the office.

-- This was completely inappropriate on my part. It is incredibly lame to embark upon such self flaggelation and only serves to continue cycles of unhealty living and loving. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Yet there I was.

This was most bothersome: Do I really think so highly of myself that I think that my life is harder the the life of Jesus? Do I really believe in the Sacrifice of Christ? Do I care enough to live this sacrifice even in my most personal and intimate places and conversations? Do I really identify and internalize Christian Faith and the scrifices that we all must make as we live our faith?

Now, THAT my friends was the biggest unexpected lesson of Lent. The realization that I'm not perfect, that I will never be perfect, and that I allow my imperfections to affect my relationships with those whom I love... it's no wonder I have a crappy relationship with God some days, eh?

PS: photo's from Willzhead. Cool eh?